So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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