Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
