sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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