i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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