I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
