Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
40s are totally the cure
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
