Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Dignity is for republicans.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
