I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
