dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
