Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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