At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
