highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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