he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Randomize
