Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
