dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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