So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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