I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
