Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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