I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
