I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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