You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
