Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
