he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
