in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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