there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I would ride that face into the sunset
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
