I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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