i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
