Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Shame - the story of my life.
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