this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
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There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
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My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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