I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
