apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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