What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
