I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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