Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
