I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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