i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
