That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Farmville is her only friend.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
