We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
