I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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