sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
