im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
