you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
