i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
