You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
