He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
