when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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