I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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