speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
