I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
