are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
