If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
