you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
