I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
