he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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