My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
