here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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