apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
