did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
