I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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